"’d never seen anything more beautiful—even as I ran, gasping and screaming, I could appreciate that. " - Bella, New Mooon

It's been a busy summer.
I don't do the pool. For obvious reasons.
Or the zoo. Not so obvious reasons.
I pretty much hang out in the attic.
It's cool, though.
I predict a resurgence in interest come Nov. 20.
No matter how busy she may be, she can't ignore my hipbones forever...

"Hey, you just shut your nasty mouth, mister! You might be a vampire, but when you talk to me, you will talk to me like the lady that I am! " - Sookie

"Also? I am a VERY smart vampire."

Bella: "How long have you been 17?" M-A Fleury: "No, no, I am number 29! 29!"

"Who ees this 'Flat Edward' Because, the BabelBabe, she ees MINE. Back off, sparkly vampire!"


"There's no need to fight over her - you're too young for her. *I*, on the other hand, am 108. Perfect. Go away, goalieman."

"I should go back there and rip those guys' head off..."

"Who knew Evgeni Malkin and I had so much in common?
Huh."

"I don’t know how you’re brave enough to be alone with him." - Jessica , Twilight, ch. 10, p.204

I've been banished (I hope only temporarily...)

I THOUGHT I was being a good vampire. But apparently my tall, handsome, brooding, bloodthirsty presence alone is enough to scare the *&%$#!%$%* bejesus out of Val when she comes up to the third floor to quilt. Is it MY fault I am left alone all day and just want some company? I haven't been to a playdate or a party in WEEKS. It's not like I bit her or anything. I didn't even nip her! Oh Christ, NOW I sound like the dog. What's next, the shelter? From the corner to the shelter? Have I NO dignity left?

"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" - Charlie, Twilight, ch.14, p.296

Debi, darling, drink the Twilight Kool-aid. All the cool kids are doing it.

Plus, as fluffy as you insist your reading tastes are? Bella is JUST as insipid.

Oops, did I say that out loud?

"Mine is bigger." - Renesmee, Breaking Dawn, ch. 27, p.538

So I FINALLY made it to a playdate (but I would have anyway since this one was at BB's house.) I hear the lemon bars were divine, but the children looked even tastier. The mothers aren't so discriminating, though...this one tried to pawn her child off on me. She even made a joke about the child saying, "Daddy!" but come on, we both know my magic vampire penis would have killed this mere mortal. Plus, I wouldn't be interested because she doesn't smell like bacon, er, Bella.

"I’d forgotten how exuberant you are." - Alice, New Moon, ch. 17, p.383

These women are seriously DISTURBED.
They made me wear a birthday crown.
They thought it was CUTE.
I may be 108 (in vampire years), which is pretty darn impressive, but this is a bit much.

Plus, have you noticed Paula's red eyes? Methinks she is NOT a vegetarian after all. AHEM.

"I was rather under the impression that you’d promised to ask my permission to go to some kind of werewolf soirée tonight."

Look at this spread. Shame VAMPIRES CAN'T EAT.

Also, where's my birthday cake? I know I don't eat, but really, what's a party without cake? Bella-flavored cake.

"Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. " - Edward, New Moon, ch. 1, p.23

Happy 17th, Edward!
[Erm, happy 23rd, RPatz!]

"So, yeah, I turned seventeen again. Big deal. But these lovely ladies threw me a party. Wanna know what we did? Bet you can guess...and get your mind out of the gutter, for God's sake, I'm CARDBOARD."

"And I knew I couldn’t ignore you any longer." - Edward, Twilight, ch. 14, p. 303

"Well, helllloooooooooo, Mrs. Robinson..."

"Go sit down and look pale." - Edward, Twilight, ch. 5, p.101

My dear Amy, I am so sorry you're sick. If it makes you feel any better, I am not going to playgroup either. All those delicious children at the Toy Lending Library would be just too tempting. Plus, it's raining again.

And Paula, love, welcome home from Jamaica. I missed you. (And you can tell your friend Matt that we don't NEED to shower; vampires don't stink. Ever.)

(Also, remember all those ads in the 80s? "Come back to Jamaica..."? Bad vampires. We Cullens kicked their butts, and now Jamaica is safe for the lovely likes of you (and that human husband of yours.)) I hope you had a lovely time.

"Do I dazzle you?" Edward, Twilight, ch. 8, p.168

"Maybe...he's...not so...awful, after all. And...he DOES...smell pretty good."
"Also? We have matching eyebrows."

"I asked Jane to do that to me once—just out of curiosity." - Aro, New Moon, ch. 21 p. 476

"You call THAT a magic wand?"

"No blood, no foul." - Edward, Twilight, ch. 3, p.61

"Honey, see? He's a CHILD. He's shorter than you by like, six inches. He doesn't even need to SHAVE, for Pete's sake. Of course, neither do you...um...Edward, darling, will you please relax?"

"Apparently there’s nothing interesting for you to do at night besides study." - Emmett, Breaking Dawn, ch. 25, p.491

Anyway, it was a long and lonely morning yesterday for one certain Flat Boy, without me and the babies. But I certainly didn't expect to come home to this shocking sight:

"Edward, love," I gently explained. "You're BETTER than Harry Potter. A bajillion times better. I mean, yes, he's smart and he's a wizard, and he does have Ginny, but, darling E, YOU have millions of thirteen-year-old girls and their (mumblemumble pathetic, sad losermumble) mothers in thrall to you."

He fixed me with a stony glare. (Ha! See how I did that?)
"WHAT," he growled, "was that middle part?"

I blushed, knowing he was watching the blood flow from my neck up to my hairline. "Erm, nothing. Nothing at all!" I insisted. "Not a thing! Just, um, clearing my throat!" Then I straightened his cape and said brightly, "I know! Why don't I go get my eyeliner and I'll draw a scar on you?"

*********
Why do I feel compelled to have Flat E speak in a snotty French accent a la Inspector Clouseau? Because, no doubt, Edward speaks impeccable French, with a perfect Parisian accent.

"I was undeniably a nightmare, a monster of the grisliest kind." - Jasper, Eclipse, ch. 13. p. 300

Edward is very disappointed that the pouring rain - while perfect for real-life vampires- precludes cardboard cutouts from venturing out. It means he will not be accompanying us to playdate. He is going to have to stay home where it's warm and dry, and -- knit?

Hey, a bored vampire's gotta do what a bored vampire's gotta do.
Plus, that scarf may never be finished if it's up to me...it's certainly in the Cullen color palette...don't laugh, he may only be a cardboard vampire, but he's got feelings too, you know.

"I'm not running anywhere." - Bella, Twilight, ch. 16, p. 40

"You want me to do WHAT? You want me to go out in that sunlight and sparkle all over the place and dazzle your friends, just so we can watch people RUNNING? For FUN? Nah-uh. I don't think so. You go. Go on. Maybe if it gets rainy, I'll come out later and catch up with you. Yeah, go, enjoy your mimosas. Besides, if *I* could have gotten into the marathon I'd have beaten them all, even those Kenyans. It's hard for me to get too worked up, I mean, c'mon, a 7:30 mile? That's soooooo slow. 'As if they could outrun ME!'"

"Badly...as in, I become the meal." - Bella Swan

I wonder if Flat E would babysit?
Or would he be tempted to have the children for midnight snack?
I have often commented on how DELICIOUS the baby's chubby thighs are...



Also, just a thought: would photoediting software remove the red-eye from man-eating vampires? Inquiring minds want to know...

"Nice to have toddlers guarding the fort." Emmett, Breaking Dawn, Chapter 11, p.221

Edward Cullen isn't sure he likes his new adoptive brothers.
For one thing, even for humans they don't smell so good, and for another, they're so LOUD.
Plus, Edward doesn't GET hockey.

"Trust me." Twilight, Chapter 3, p.57

This is Flat Edward.
Say hello, Edward, there's a good vampire.