"I don’t know how you’re brave enough to be alone with him." - Jessica , Twilight, ch. 10, p.204

I've been banished (I hope only temporarily...)

I THOUGHT I was being a good vampire. But apparently my tall, handsome, brooding, bloodthirsty presence alone is enough to scare the *&%$#!%$%* bejesus out of Val when she comes up to the third floor to quilt. Is it MY fault I am left alone all day and just want some company? I haven't been to a playdate or a party in WEEKS. It's not like I bit her or anything. I didn't even nip her! Oh Christ, NOW I sound like the dog. What's next, the shelter? From the corner to the shelter? Have I NO dignity left?

"None of the boys in town your type, eh?" - Charlie, Twilight, ch.14, p.296

Debi, darling, drink the Twilight Kool-aid. All the cool kids are doing it.

Plus, as fluffy as you insist your reading tastes are? Bella is JUST as insipid.

Oops, did I say that out loud?

"Mine is bigger." - Renesmee, Breaking Dawn, ch. 27, p.538

So I FINALLY made it to a playdate (but I would have anyway since this one was at BB's house.) I hear the lemon bars were divine, but the children looked even tastier. The mothers aren't so discriminating, though...this one tried to pawn her child off on me. She even made a joke about the child saying, "Daddy!" but come on, we both know my magic vampire penis would have killed this mere mortal. Plus, I wouldn't be interested because she doesn't smell like bacon, er, Bella.

"I’d forgotten how exuberant you are." - Alice, New Moon, ch. 17, p.383

These women are seriously DISTURBED.
They made me wear a birthday crown.
They thought it was CUTE.
I may be 108 (in vampire years), which is pretty darn impressive, but this is a bit much.

Plus, have you noticed Paula's red eyes? Methinks she is NOT a vegetarian after all. AHEM.

"I was rather under the impression that you’d promised to ask my permission to go to some kind of werewolf soirée tonight."

Look at this spread. Shame VAMPIRES CAN'T EAT.

Also, where's my birthday cake? I know I don't eat, but really, what's a party without cake? Bella-flavored cake.

"Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. " - Edward, New Moon, ch. 1, p.23

Happy 17th, Edward!
[Erm, happy 23rd, RPatz!]

"So, yeah, I turned seventeen again. Big deal. But these lovely ladies threw me a party. Wanna know what we did? Bet you can guess...and get your mind out of the gutter, for God's sake, I'm CARDBOARD."

"And I knew I couldn’t ignore you any longer." - Edward, Twilight, ch. 14, p. 303

"Well, helllloooooooooo, Mrs. Robinson..."